Saturday
4:00 p.m.
The
midwife had just broken my water and between that and the Pitocin, I began to
feel some actual contractions. At first I couldn’t believe it… was this really
labor? Is it finally happening? Excited, relieved, and a bit anxious I began to take contractions as they came, slow and steady. Matt and I continued to play
card games, watched a show or two on the laptop, and tried to take a nap. I
could feel my body working harder and harder with each contraction. We went
into the hospital knowing we weren’t going to call contractions “painful,”
instead, we saw them as hard work. We felt that the word pain signals something is wrong with your body when in fact, while
laboring, your body is doing exactly as God designed it to – it’s working hard!
Choosing your words carefully while laboring puts you in a much better mental
state that allows you to work with your body and not fight it.
Around 8:30 or so that evening my parents stopped in to
visit and brought by a New Year’s box filled with party hats for us and the
staff. It’s a bit blurry to me, but I do remember a little of them being there
because Matt and I both were a little surprised that it was New Year’s Eve –
our days were all running together. I sat on the bed meeting the contractions
with deep, purposeful breaths. Matt hugged me from behind and breathed with me,
something I really needed! I don’t know what level of Pitocin I was on (I’d
have to check our videos) nor do I know when my parents left the room to go
home because I was focused on breathing and relaxing my muscles. I wanted to
get in the tub with the jets– at this point a mobile unit was available - so they prepared the water and I sat
down into what I had imagined would be a wonderful way to labor. Um… no. I had
told Matt days before that I strongly desired to have a tub in our room because
I think being in warm water will be so relaxing during contractions. I even
brought along my sweet smelling, organic lavender scrub for Matt to rub on me
while in the tub because I just knew I would love that. Well, I think I lasted
all of 10 minutes in the water because for one, the tub was not any bigger than
a tub in a home, and two, I couldn’t fully submerge myself due to wires coming
from me every which way. I climbed out and moved to the toilet, and sat there
laboring for a good while. We had practiced laboring positions in our Bradley
Class one night and this was definitely a favorite of mine.
Around midnight the midwife came in to see how I was doing
and to check me since I hadn’t been examined in quite a while. She said I was
at a 5 and she seemed pleased with the progress. Knowing that having your first
child can take a while, we didn’t focus on the number and continued meeting
contractions with deep breaths. At one point I did climb into the bed to try to
rest through some and it was then that the pain in my side increased with a
vengeance. The pain had been there ever since the start of Pitocin earlier that
day, but it was definitely becoming increasingly worse. This midwife was not sure
of the cause either, and I tried to forget about it. We carried on and Matt
believes I went through the transition phase of labor around this time because
I began to voice some doubts and started shivering. I also threw up – another
sign of transition. This was a fear of mine… silly, I know… but when I learned
that women can throw up during labor it freaked me out. Vomiting is already
horrible to me and the thought of doing so while having contractions sounded
just awful! But I did it… several times and it honestly felt good! Who
knew?
When 2 a.m. rolled around, I felt urges to push that took
over my entire body. We made it to pushing! Matt and I shared a smile because
our baby boy was there… they could see him! I was instructed to just let my
body do as it needed, so I did. My faithful husband was so diligent in giving
me sips of water with every contraction to keep me hydrated. It was suggested I
roll over to my side and push that way while Matt held my leg up because it was
thought the baby may need some readjusting (which, by the way, his heartbeat
was still going strong!). We also tried standing/squatting for a bit to reposition him that way too. We took a moment to phone my parents and let
them know that I had begun pushing, though it could easily be several more
hours. They came to the hospital around 3 that morning and waited so patiently
in the waiting room, not wanting to miss a thing. In the midst of this
laboring, I continued to deal with this awful pain stretching from my back to
side. Notice I use the word pain here, because that is definitely what it was.
I knew I was feeling something that was not right and it began to take over. I
prayed for it to go away. I stopped feeling contractions. I could not tell when
to push. All I felt was this constant, excruciating ache and no one had a way
to solve it. It was close to 4 in the morning and I was surrounded by my
husband, the nurse, and midwife. Matt held my hand and lifted my head up, while
the nurse laid her hands on my stomach to feel for contractions. The midwife
sat in front of me putting her fingers inside to tell me where to push whenever
the nurse said to me that a contraction was coming. I tried so hard to listen
to my body and to them, but the pain had taken over. I felt like we were so
close! The midwife had been seeing little Matthew’s head for some time now and
Matt even got a glimpse of him, but it was like everything was coming to a
standstill. We continued trying, but to no avail. I was feeling nothing but
this constant pain, as if my muscles could not stop contracting and release
themselves.
I cried.
We had been up for 24 hours now and my baby boy was right
there, but it just wasn’t happening! The exhaustion that had never really
disappeared was overwhelming – and not just physically, but emotionally. When
people talk about an emotional rollercoaster, I can say that Matt and I were
quite experienced riders at this point. Words cannot describe how we felt as we
didn’t just feel the weight of the moment right then, but the weight of the
last four days leading up to that point in time. The midwives changed shifts
and in walked our midwife from Friday – she was back, gave me a vaginal exam,
and informed us that she would be delivering that baby! This was almost comical
to me because I thought to myself, I bet
the other 4 midwives all thought the same thing too! Her positive attitude
helped some as I looked at the clock to see that it was now close to 9:00 in
the morning. My water had been broken for over 12 hours, the Pitocin continued
to drip into my veins not helping the swelling at all, and I laid curled up in
the bed sobbing. For the last four days, the same questions came to mind, why God? What are you doing with me? With
us? It’s not pleasant to admit that I sobbed so hard, but yet this is our birth
story and I have to tell it like it is. I was hurting and the pain was starting
to scare me. What about my baby? I kept telling the midwife and nurse through my tears that I just
wanted to feel the contractions, it’s all I wanted, so I could know that my
baby was coming and things were okay. My mom left the waiting room to come see
us, because I wanted her to know what was happening. I felt like such a little
girl crying on the bed as I talked to her… and then speaking with my mom reminded me of those who were lifting us up in
prayer. There is power in prayer. Her friends were praying, our families were
praying, church had happened that morning and they were praying, neighbors, friends, and we learned later that while my youngest sister
was away at a Campus Outreach retreat, there were people we didn’t know praying
for us too. It was comforting.
I recall watching Matt intently, my heart going out to my
dear husband who I knew was reaching a breaking point. He was so strong for us
and was being the best husband any girl could ask for, but he shared with me as
tears filled his eyes that he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to help me, but
he doesn’t know how. We had prepared to labor, but we had no way of preparing
for this surprising pain that was keeping things from moving forward. What do
we do now?
Our midwife came in to give us some options and thankfully,
they turned the Pitocin off while we listened. Side-note: I found out at my 6 week
check-up that my midwife had actually called two people that day while working
with us. She was seeking advice from a doula friend of hers, and another
midwife at a different location. She had not seen a situation like ours and was
trying to help the best she could. I guess we should be proud that we added a
new experience to her midwifery practice, right?...
Our options were as follows:
1) take an hour resting break from Pitocin and be given the
medication Nubane, in hopes it would take the edge off what I was feeling –
then jump into Pit again after I had tried to sleep some,
2) get an epidural that would numb the back/side muscle
pain, yet still leave me to feel when to push, or
3) prepare for a cesarean
The room became so quiet as the midwife left us to our
thoughts. All you could hear was the beeping of the machines as Matt and I
looked at each other for an answer. I remember finding it so hard to even think
a decent thought. The pain was horrible, and this was so mind boggling to me. I
had waited for contractions to begin days ago and now that they were in full
swing, I had lost the ability to truly feel them due to the amount of pain stretching
from my back to side. I was frustrated that despite my efforts to relax, stay
mobile, breathe, and other tips we had learned for labor were not working to
get me past this increidible discomfort. I believe the Pitocin had completely
overstimulated those muscles on the left in my back and side and they could not
stop contracting. They were so terribly tight. There was no release of the
tension and I told Matt that I was done. I physically felt like my body could
do no more. I was even considering going with a cesarean (my fear!) because I
knew I had reached my limit. I was feeling delirious. I was beyond ready to hold
my little boy, who had been going through these last 4 days right along with
me. I wept as Matt held me and he cried too. We were so broken. The midwife
poked her head in the door, and I told her I was feeling as though I was done.
I could not go on and I was considering a cesarean. She knew that deep down
this was not what we truly wanted, so she gave us more time to think. We just
kept saying that we didn’t know what to do… and I kept thinking, “Lord, what
are you trying to teach me?!”
I was feeling incredibly discouraged at the fact that none
of those options would leave me with a drug-free birth like we had wanted. I
also knew that I could not carry on as I was. We pretty much ruled out option 1
because, to put it simply, it seemed dumb to us. We knew that an hour break was
not going to be enough time to let that pain go away, given that it kept me up until
3 a.m. the nights before. And adding Nubane along with rest for an hour was not
a guarantee the pain would cease long enough for me to feel contractions and
push our baby out. It would only take off the edge, if it could even do that.
Getting an epidural was not at all what I wanted to do. I knew the side
effects, I knew what it could do to our unborn baby, and I also was keenly
aware that it was another needle… As for a cesarean, this was the thing I had
feared most when the end of our pregnancy rolled around. It was not something
the hospital staff wanted us to do either, but we had to be reminded that it
could be a possibility due to unforeseen circumstances. Matt looked at me with
tears running down his cheeks and shared how the last two options scared him to
death and the first option just seemed pointless. His love for me was spilling
over through those tears, as he had such deep concern for me and the baby and
was so devoted to supporting me each passing moment. This is where we reached a
point in our relationship that drew us even closer together and to God, as we
lovingly clung to each other, waiting for that answer to come.
Our sweet nurse that shift walked in the door and squatted
next to the bed where we were sitting. She asked me what we were thinking and
feeling. I told her the only thing I could think to say, “I’m done.” I
continued to cry from the pain and frustration and Matt said that we honestly
didn’t know what to do. Our nurse told me how strong I was, and how amazing we
had been together, to endure Pitocin for so long up to this point. She said
that a cesarean is not what I want and she truly felt like an epidural would
help get us through this last stretch. Her words began to encourage me and I
recall this moment so vividly. Then our dedicated midwife walked in to have a
heart-to-heart with us. Her words completely changed my perspective and if it
wasn’t for her and the nurse speaking with us, Matt and I could have an
entirely different ending to our birth story. She looked me in the eye and
said, “Olyvia, never in my 25 years of midwifery have I seen a situation such
as yours. After all you’ve been through, here you are able to sit criss-cross
on this hospital bed, fully dilated, at +3 station, and you are having a normal
conversation! That just doesn’t happen!” Our midwife continued to put things
into perspective for us as she shared that we should be proud we have made it
this far and are so very close to meeting our son. I hadn’t had the use of any
pain medication and was laboring naturally, just like I had desired. Despite
the unusual pain, we were pushing on and had made it farther than she and the
other doctors who knew of our situation thought we would. “I know you are
tired. I know you feel like you are done, but look how strong you are! I think
if we give you the epidural for your side pain, and turn back on the Pitocin,
we can have this baby out in an hour,” she said. That is when I knew God had
given us the answer we were waiting for… I have come this far, and I can
continue. I turned and looked at Matt and simply said, “okay.” I just wanted to
meet my boy!
The anasthesiologist came in to prepare my epidural. I asked
him if he could please make sure the medicine numbed my back/side area and I
pointed to where the pain was. He said the epidural should work for that, but
it wasn’t convincing. I was nervous as Matt squatted down in front of me for
support. I prayed that the procedure would go smoothly and that neither I nor
my little one would be harmed. I felt the prick and immediate tingle down my
right side, which continued to grow numb, followed slowly by the left side. I
couldn’t even lift up my legs back onto the bed at first… how in the world was
I supposed to push?! They gave the medicine time to get through my system
before turning back on the Pit. The nurse walked in and said she was going to
insert a catheter because it was possible my bladder was full which could be
what was causing the terrible pain. I informed her that I knew for sure my
bladder was most definitely not full and when she tried to insert the catheter,
it hurt! She looked at me and said, “You shouldn’t be feeling that. What about
your side? Does it still hurt too? I will call the anasthesiologist” and she
ended up not inserting the catheter after all, thank goodness. A bit of time
passed and my pain was not relieved in the slightest bit…I found it ironic that
I was getting an epidural not for the contractions, but for a pain brought on
by a crazy overstimulation of muscles from Pitocin. I ended up having not one,
not two, but three meds passed through my epidural! Scary…yes, but all of us in
that room were desperate to relieve the pain at least a little bit so I could
feel my contractions and effectlively push my little one out. Remember, we had
begun pushing at around 2:00 that morning and it was now close to 2:00 in the
afternoon and our poor little guy was just a wiggling around the entire time! I could feel
him laying heavily on my right pelvic bone. The anasthesiologist came in the
second time to give me a higher concentration of the meds, then a third time to
give me something different entirely, that was to go straight into my system. I
cried frustrated tears as I asked him again to please, please, please, ease
that pain! Poor guy. He was doing his job, but I didn’t need the epidural to
numb down low for labor – I had already been through that! I needed him to numb
above my waist, left side, near my ribs in the back. After three doses, my midwife said we just needed to get
through it, so we pushed on.
I focused very hard on the task at hand. This was it. I knew
that if I didn’t move past this pain, then the next step was a cesarean because
we had maxed out our options and a healthy delivery was necessary for my
at-risk condition. The Lord had my hand and gave me that last bit of strength I
needed. It was all Him and there is no denying that. My desire to push and meet
our son was so strong that it was all I could think about. I couldn’t help but
turn inward, and go with my body. It was a combination of me sometimes feeling
urges to push, and other times them having to tell me due to the pain overwhelming the contraction. At one point they
offered to set up the mirror, which I agreed to, but found it incredibly
distracting. I would look on in amazement and stop pushing so effectively. I
went back to closing my eyes and focused on relaxing all my muscles (especially
my jaw!), except for pushing where I needed to push. I remember even thinking
about how there were probably many other women all over the world pushing at
this very moment too. That gave me this sense of awe and appreciation for how
God created women. I would also glance over to the baby bed sitting in the room, thinking how I have seen this
bed since Wednesday night and I am minutes away from my baby being there! “He’s
sunny side up!” said the midwife as our baby was on the brink of meeting the
world. No wonder why he was taking a while… the child was face up and was
coming down hard from my right side. Matt stated that he wanted to catch little
Matthew and the time had finally come. The midwife quickly passed off a pair of
gloves to him and helped ease our baby’s head out, unwinding the umbilical cord
that was lightly twisted around his neck. She stepped out of the way and Matt
was able to fully catch our sweet boy and place him immediately onto my chest.
My emotions went wild and I cried tears of pure joy. The time was 3:03 p.m.
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| Minutes after Matthew II was born |
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| Proud Daddy |
The room happened to be full now with different hospital
staff busying about. I felt like everything was swirling and all I could focus
on was this tiny human being laying on my chest. I couldn’t believe it. Was I
really finally holding my baby boy? Then I felt it… a warm trickle that started
on my chest and went down my stomach. Yep, he had peed on me, making his
presence known - he was really here. Matthew didn’t cry much and they gave him a good rubbing while
I held him to get him to cry a good one. He was covered in vernix, and knowing
how good this is for baby’s skin, we rubbed it in while staring at our son,
speechless. We had requested that the cord not be cut until it was finished pulsing,
and after five minutes or so, Matt was able to cut the cord and they set about
stitching me up - 2 stitches were needed, and even after 3 epidural doses and
lidocaine spray, I couldn’t help but feel each needle poke! I winced as my
midwife continued with the stitches for what felt like forever, but it was okay
because my baby was here! We immediately took some first photos and after
holding our son for a good bit, they set him on the baby bed I had been eyeing
for days, to measure and weigh him. Matthew was 6 lbs, 13 oz, and 20.5 inches
long.
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One of my favorite photos that truly seems to capture the "new life."
You can see a little how his head is quite misshapen from being sunny
side up and in the canal for so long. |
We called my mom back to see her grandbaby for the first
time (more family were on their way) and none of us could stop
smiling. We just couldn’t believe that he was finally in our arms. After a
little while, everyone had cleared out and it was just me, my dear husband, and
our new blessing together in the quiet of the room. I experienced a truly sweet
gift of motherhood when I breastfed Matthew for the first time, and we watched
in awe as he knew exactly what to do. God is so good!
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| Sweet kisses for my New Year's baby |
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| Our midwife pausing for a quick photo minutes after he was born |
Within two hours after delivery, my family had met the
newest addition and everyone helped move us to the post-partum floor. Matt and
I felt as though everything was so surreal. The staff came to check little
Matthew’s vitals again, and then left us to ourselves as we continuously held
our little baby, letting the joys of parenthood sink in. That night we showered
(it felt SO good!), ate some food (I walked to the snack pantry down the hall
several times that night for juice!) and carefully wheeled our little boy’s
baby bed in between mine and Matt’s pull-out chair as we laid down to sleep for
the first time in almost 48 hours. Sleep was of course intermittent, because
the nurse had to come in and periodically check on us, as well as I needed to
nurse Matthew - which seemed to be non-stop from 12a.m. to 5 a.m.!
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| Joy |
The following morning we woke up still tired, but completely
giddy over the fact that we could hold our son in our arms and just study his every perfect feature. What a blessing! There was a chance we could go home that Monday,
after he had been there for 24 hours so they could complete his PKU testing.
While we hung out in the room, my sisters brought us the greatest thing… a
hook & ladder sub from Firehouse! I had stayed away from lunch meats during
pregnancy, as had Matt, and this was something I strongly desired after giving
birth! It was just as amazing as I had imagined it would be and the four of us
sat in our tiny room, eating Firehouse and watching the baby. Later that
afternoon, Matthew received his first bath, and then we met with a lactation consultant because I was having issues with
Matthew latching on my right side. She was very helpful. Word of advice:
definitely meet with a lactation consultant as soon as you can after giving
birth – can absolutely make a difference in your breastfeeding experience! Not
long after that, the PKU test was completed, but by then it was getting dark
and the thought of arriving home with our baby with no sun shining wasn’t
appealing to me. I also wanted to make sure I had a better control on nursing
before leaving the hospital, so we stayed one last night before being dismissed
the next day. My parents visited that evening, as well as our Pastor
and his family earlier, and our night ended with prayers of thanks for a
healthy little boy, that we were able to hold and love on. Again, so surreal!
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Our first family photo the day after his birth - you can sort of
see my swollen left hand from the broken IV |
A pediatrician came the next morning to complete a check-up
on Matthew and I waited for a mid-wife to complete a check-up on me. All was
well, minus the blisters on my stomach from the days of gel and the intense
swelling that was so slow to go away. We were checked out by 10:00 that morning
and I waited inside the lobby while Matt went to get the car. I kept looking
down at my baby in my arms, thanking the Lord for a safe delivery and the
ability to finally go home. The weather was no longer unusually warm and the
high for that day was in the 40s. I sat in the back beside Matthew’s carseat
and we drove away from the hospital… I with tears in my eyes at the fact that
our 6 night stay was finally behind us.
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| The ride home |
The Lord had been so faithful. Our birth story did not go as
we had imagined, but I am able to look back now and see how He was involved and
leading every step of the way. Our child was born January 1st, with
an expected due date of January 12th. Had we not been induced due to
cholestasis and he were to come around 41 or 42 weeks like we had anticipated,
my dad would have been out of the country… my sisters would be back in school…
and Matt would be working a National Convention for his job. I can understand now how the timing of
his birth was perfect because everyone was able to be there and meet him soon
after he arrived! Matthew also shares his birthday with his Grandpa Taflan and
my parents’ wedding anniversary. I smile when I think back to one of the nurses
we had who inquired about our faith, and can see how God answered our prayer
about letting Him work through us during our stay there. I can look back at my
desire to have a natural, drug-free labor, and am truly proud of myself that
God gave me the strength to do just that, in my standards, despite the Pitocin,
and use of an epidural that last hour for a completely different pain. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I was capable,
I made it all the way fully dilated and pushing before meds were needed for my
back, and I succeeded. The Lord had allowed for a vaginal delivery, just like
we asked for, and our baby was healthy! I can look back and see where Matt and
I hit a breaking point that Sunday morning, sitting on the bed crying and
feeling so lost. God had not let go of our situation. He gave us the ability to
push on and allowed our relationship the chance to move to such a deeper level
of love, strength, respect, and faith, both with each other and with our Heavenly
Father.
Yes, He was indeed so very faithful.
Matthew Edward Taflan II is a wonderful gift to us, and we are blessed
beyond words.
